Sex Toys and Craigslist

Whenever I’m feeling like there is absolutely no hope for mankind, I turn to Craigslist. And in almost every instance, this reaffirms that I was correct. Take this most recent post for instance. Long story short, I ended up with a sex toy suited for male parts when I have female ones. Here is the original ad:

And here are the responses:

THE CREEPS
Craigslist is breeding ground for creeps. No one uses this site to find a date. They pay for an eHarmony membership to do that or at the very least use one of those scummy free services like okCupid or Plenty of Fish. Craigslist is only used to find rental property, sell random shit and solicit casual sex.

Okay, why is there a hundred dollar bill being used for scale here? Is that what you are willing to pay me for the sex toy or am I also being solicited for prostitution?

So of course, there were the respondents who thought that they could win over my pocket pussy with a picture of their manhood.

Excuse me, but did I ask for a picture of your penis? NO. I said “supply me with a compelling and persuasive argument.” Has an attorney ever gone to court, dropped his pants and won a lawsuit? Not in recent memory. Why then, do these strange men feel the need to subject me to pictures of their genitals? Let me give you an inside tip, fellas. There is nothing particularly attractive about your man parts. I mean, penises are cool and all and they feel good and serve their reproductive functions. However, I have seen a lot of dick pics in my day and never once have I looked at one and thought, “Oh yeah, I wanna fuck that cock.” They are actually quite ridiculous looking. I am more likely to laugh at it’s veiny, bulging awkwardness than I am to be turned on by it. So stopping sending me pictures of your penis.

Then, you have the guys who think that this ad is an open invitation for sex. Which, by the way, it is clearly NOT. I will go ahead and let you read these because they reinforce the point I always make about how all men are bad and not to be trusted:

I’m more interested in why he didn’t use it which must be a complement to you and I think what you really want is for someone to use you. Forgive my lack of punctuation I am doing speech to text while I’m driving I will be coming through your town if it’s close to Cedar Rapids or Waterloo in about Two or three hours. I think you’re the one that needs a cream pie and I’d like to be the one to give it to you just feeling that way right now as I just got out of a relationship. Which is why I’m driving ready to say fuck it and have some fun I do have a vasectomy I’ve been with one woman for the last 10 years so I’m definitely clean, let me know your thoughts give me a call (insert phone number here).

By the way I’m not even remotely interested in the pocket pussy I want the real one. I like your style I hope he hears about your ad.

So, since you’ve been in the relationship for the past ten years I’m assuming you’re married. Secondly, lack of punctuation is never, EVER forgivable. BYE.

I dont want the pocket pussy…well maybe I do, but just not admitting to it…lol…I just want to see YOU…so send me a picture please. I mean COME ONNNNNNNNNNN…a woman who buys you toys? UNREAL, and he probably fucking lost you over something that was stupid as hell right? ANYWAYS…it is obvious that you deserve better!!! MUCH BETTER for that matter! So good luck in your search, and seriously if you do not mind I honestly would love to see a picture of yourself, and I can return mine if you are interested? I hope ya have an awesome weekend!!! 🙂

A smiley face is supposed to make everything less creepy. In this instance, they make everything more creepy because my perception of people who communicate with smiley faces are forty+ year old men who are fairly new to the internet doesn’t understand how juvenile they sound. I stopped using that shit after MSN Messenger wasn’t cool anymore. By the way, I did have an awesome weekend. I got real drunk and dry heaved my brains out.

Hi, That is really funny and unique, you are a hoot,I am handsome fit real and honest, with a big thick c— . Want a pic? Thanks Eddie.

No thanks, Eddie. On to the next.

THE LOSERS

Then, there were the sad cases. I received responses from two virgins.

Saw your ad on craigslist about the free vagina and hoping you still have it. This is my story and it’s true. I am 20 yrs old and still a virgin. I don’t have the greatest luck with women. A bunch of my friends have gfs or girls that they have sex with and all they talk about is how great it feels. I thought if I was able to get this toy that I would be able to have an idea of what they were talking about. I have just recently begun to consider getting one so I can find out for myself what it feels like. It would be much appreciated if you did end up giving me this toy. Thanks.

I haven’t done a lot of things right in my life but I’d like to think one of those things include not ending up a twenty year old virgin. So that being said, I kind of feel bad for the kid. If anyone is willing to have sex with this poor gentleman, let me know and I’ll send his email address your way.

Because I’m a sad, pathetic virgin, that’s why. Never even seen boob without paying a cover charge.

Well, news for you my friend. If you can afford a cover charge, you can afford your own pocket pussy.

THE FREAKS

For the record, I never respond to any of these ads. This category being the primary reason. I’m pretty stealthy at covering my digital footprints but mistakes happen and… well, I’d rather not end up chained up in some weirdo’s basement.

Scope out this fellow to my right. His ad wasn’t very creative but his nice super hero sheets are a cause for concern. I feel like he might live at home and am reading this as a total Norman Bates in “Pyscho” situation. However, he pales in comparison to this next weirdo:

Thank goodness I have found your post. I have been looking for my special ladies lady bits for a while now. Her name is Emmy, I’m sure you have seen her standing in the dress section of Target. See she lost her job at Mohair where she was a front window girl and somewhere in the move she appears to of lost…. well I think we both know. It gets even more embarassing as she has a very enthusiastic sex drive and is need of her bits. If still willing to toss such and item Emmy would greatly appreciate it.

I just… I don’t… I don’t even… yeah. People are fucked up and apparently fuck mannequins. I think that is how Jeffrey Dahmer got started.

long relationships never work too good. Want a local cock hit me up. Must be drug disease free. I am because I donated plasma. Pics for pics. Hit me up.

Fact: Jeffrey Dahmer also sold his blood and plasma to pay for alcohol. Then he got drunk, raped little boys and ate them.

THE FANS

I am so happy I could add this category because it’s so enlightening to discover that not everyone on the internet may have been on an episode of “To Catch a Predator.” People understand my humor and even praise me for it.

Fucking hilarious!!! I flagged you for “Best Of”…. Well fucking done and intelligently written. You made my day, it’s been a rough week and that was a much needed laugh thank you so much.

I do what I can.

That’s a pretty clever idea. Sounds like this guy really messed up. Your sweet and funny. What else was in the care package? Is there gonna be anymore little contests?

Clever.

I’m just writing just to say something must be wrong with him..you sound like a very smart woman…and I bet very good in bed..therefore…what a waste.

Both of these things are facts.

So, obviously I never picked a winner for this impromptu giveaway. I don’t know what kind of imbecile would actually buy and then use an opened sex toy they received as a result of Craigslist. And I don’t know what kind of a girl would agree to meet such a person for the exchange. Definitely not me. The fact of the matter is, there are a lot of strange and frightening people in this world and they seem to linger on Craigslist. However, they are so fascinating to me. It’s like looking through the glass at exotic and possibly rabid creatures in a zoo.

And I just love to feed the animals.